How to Make a Resolution You Definitely Won’t Keep

It’s that time of year again! New Year’s Day, when millions of Americans make resolutions for the upcoming year. Making resolutions is fun! You can fantasize about how much better your life will be when you’re healthier, save more money, or finally quit that job you hate.


But remember to stick to fantasizing. Actually achieving your resolutions is hard, it requires work every day. Screw that.

Only 8% of people actually keep their resolutions. Do you really want to be part of that group? What a bunch of losers, don’t they have a life?

I mean, come on, no one has time to go to the gym.

This is a guide to make sure you keep up with the majority of Americans and don’t fall into the dreaded 8%. Here are 3 ways to guarantee you won’t keep your resolutions.

1. Don’t have a reason to do it

Your resolution should be something that you maybe think would be cool, but aren’t quite sure why you want it. Like getting really good at Scrabble. If you know you really want something, you might actually work on it. That’s the last thing we want.

For example, if you want to learn Spanish, don’t think about: The millions of new friends you could make, the increase in job opportunities you’ll have, or the fact that learning languages actually makes you smarter.

No, don’t think about those things. If you do, you might pick up duolingo, and that’s just stupid.

Just think about how you kind of want to order in Spanish next time you go to a Mexican restaurant.

2. Don’t write it down

Dear god, don’t write your goals down! When you write them out, some creepy force of the Universe tries to interfere and make sure you’re successful. It’s bizarre and should be avoided.

Plus, if they’re written out, you might look at them again. Do you really want to be reminded of your goals 3 weeks from now? That’s what next New Year’s is for.

Do yourself a favor and immediately forget any resolution you set so that you can use the same ones every year.

3. Get super ambitious

This is your fantasy, you want to make it good. People who keep resolutions start small. They say bullshit like “I’ll go running 20 minutes a day, 3 times a week.”


Will you even see results from that? Hell no. You want your resolutions to put others to shame. Want to get in better shape? Then you should plan to spend 3 hours at the gym every day. That’s the best way to ensure you’ll only go once, feel incredibly sore the next day, and completely give up.

While you’re at the gym that one time, you can become a chess master, learn Portuguese, and do all the other cool things you’ve always dreamed about.

So remember these 3 tips, and we’ll make sure that 2015 is just as mediocre as 2014 was! It’s the American tradition.



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